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♪祝你圣诞快乐♪
♪这是一年中最好的时间♪
♪我不知道会不会下雪♪
♪我们举杯畅饮♪
♪祝你圣诞快乐♪
♪当你走在街上♪
Another one?
要来点别的吗
我有点上头 所以换一种吧
Well, I'm still vertical, so I'd like to change that.
♪哦，哦，槲寄生♪
♪挂在你能看到的地方♪
♪有人在等你♪
真苦
Bitter. Pint.
你刚下车
You just get off?
♪万一你没听到♪
♪哦，天哪，有一棵冬青树♪
我要休息一下
I'm taking a break.
在轮班之间 我想你可以说
Between shifts, I guess you could say.
你不会开车吧
- Hmm. - You ain't driving, are you?
有时开 但大部分工作都是驯鹿做的
I steer a little, but the reindeer do most of the work.
这是我当圣诞老人的第四年
This is my, uh, fourth year as a Santa.
啊
Ah.
你呢？
How about you?
数不清了
Lost count.
我忘了我一开始为什么要当圣诞老人了
I forget why I started doing it in the first place.
任何人做任何事情的原因都一样
Same reason anybody does anything.
为了钱
The money.
整天就知道钱
Money. Money.
这个星球充满了贪婪
This whole planet runs on greed.
这就是孩子们脸上的表情 对吗
It's the look on the kiddies' faces, innit?
这对我来说就是这样
That's what does it for me.
啊 瞧 是的 看看那样子
Ah, the look. Yeah, that look.
那表情两秒就消失了
Lasts about two seconds.
孩子们一打开包装
As soon as they're finished unwrapping,
就想要下一份礼物
they want the next present,
他们想要更酷的玩意
they want the next cool thing.
这个世界就是这样
That's how this world works.
小屁孩们都变成了什么样子
And kids what kids have become.
跟个小瘾君子似的
They're just like little junkies.
那帮小笨蛋 只知道从别人手里要
They're little shits. They just demand.
他们太天真了
They don't believe.
他们只知道索取 渴望 大手大脚
They just want, crave, consume.
可能这是我最后一年当圣诞老人了
Maybe this is my last year.
The last Christmas.
最后的圣诞节
听着 我受不了看到另外一个圣诞老人有麻烦
Well, I can't stand seeing another Santa in distress.
他饮料记我账上
Put his drinks on my tab.
-好吗 -好的
- Okay? - Yeah.
哦 谢谢你 好了
Oh, very merry of you. Okay.
我得走了
I better get going.
礼物不会自己长腿跑的 得要我送
Presents aren't gonna deliver themselves.
噢 额
Oh, uh...
给你孙子的 省得我再跑一趟
For your grandson. Save me a trip.
就是那个新游戏
It's, uh, that new video game.
叫“宇宙喷射机”还是“喷射机宇宙”来着的
It's Astro Blaster, Blaster Astro.
我也忘了
I-I don't know.
给米奇的 ——圣诞老人
圣诞快乐
Merry Christmas.
他怎么知道我孙子名字的
How'd he know my grandson's name?
他怎么会知道我有个孙子
How'd he know I have a grandson?
嘿 那门是去屋顶的
Oi! That door leads to the roof.
真是个醉老头
Piss head.
今天是圣诞节 对他宽容点
Go easy on him. It's Christmas.
嘿 你不能站在这
Hey! You can't be up here.
如果你脖子摔断了 我就得负责…
If you break your neck, I'm the one...
我的天啊
My God.
这难道就是…
It's...
真美…
...beauti...
嗨
Hi. Hi, hi, hi.
她来了 嗨 玛芬
There she is. Hello, muffin.
我们去看奶奶吧
Let's go see Grandma.
圣诞快乐
Merry Christmas.
圣诞快乐 特鲁迪
Merry Christmas, Trudy.
圣诞…
Merry...
*亲吻声
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
圣诞快乐 粗鲁的爸爸
Merry Christmas, Daddy, ya filthy animal.
她熬夜看了《小鬼当家》
She got to stay up late and watch Home Alone.
太有趣了
It was so funny.
-是的 -太刺耳了
- Yep. - That... that hurts.
-整个上午都在叫 -好吧
- All morning. - Okay, um...
谢谢你
Thank you.
谢谢你这么做
For doing this.
并不是为了你
I'm not doing it for you.
-今天是圣诞节 -没错
- It's Christmas! - Yeah!
圣诞快乐 艾尔
Merry Christmas, Al.
嗨 琳达 圣诞快乐
Hi, Linda. Merry Christmas.
-莱特斯通先生 -嘿 艾尔
- Mr. Lightstone. - Hey, Al.
Hey, you back there, Tru?
嘿 小特鲁 你在后面吗
我看是的 我打赌你对圣诞节很兴奋
Yeah, I bet you're excited for Christmas.
What did you ask Santa for?
你问圣诞老人要什么礼物了
别在平安夜出来工作
Not to work on Christmas Eve.
小特鲁今年一定很调皮
Must've been naughty this year,
-因为我来啦 -嗯哼
-'cause here I am. - Mm-hmm.
保证待会让圣诞老人进大门哦 艾尔
Just make sure you let Santa through the gates later, Al.
-好的 -玩的开心
- Yeah. - Have a merry one, now.
-圣诞快乐 -圣诞快乐 艾尔
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, Al.
小特鲁 圣诞快乐
Merry Christmas, Tru.
-谢谢你 艾尔 -不客气
-Thank you, Al. - Yeah.
我记不清第二个放哪里了
I can't remember where the second one is.
圣诞快乐
Merry Christmas.
希望你在幸运名单上
Hope you're on the nice list.
哦 那边没有
That doesn't go over there.
对不起
Excuse me.
这是在搞什么鬼
What the hell is this?
你们这个餐饮公司 世界第一差
You are the worst catering company on the planet.
它应该竖着切 不是横着切
It's lengthwise, not width.
Unbelievable.
真无语
好了
Okay.
嗨 伙计们 圣诞快乐
Hi. Hi, guys. Merry Christmas.
-你好 -我很好 谢谢
- Hi. - I'm fine. Thank you so much.
我永远忘不了 你居然是这么长大的
I'll never get over the fact that you grew up like this.
我的心理医生说也永远不会忘记我
My therapist says I'll never get over it, either.
我得去喝一杯
I need a drink.
♪两只斑鸠♪
♪梨树上的鹧鸪♪
嘿 看看这个
Hey, look at that.
嗨 琳达
Hi, Linda.
-嘿 -近来可好 阿尔瓦
- Hey. - How's it going, Alva?
嗯 你长胖了
Mm-hmm. You gained weight.
但这衣服你穿上挺好看的
- Looks good on you, though.
非常感谢
- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
怎么了 弱鸡
'Sup, limp dick?
这次圣诞节 我很期待
I got great feelings about this Christmas.
-想知道为什么吗 -当然
- You want to know why? - Yeah.
因为我觉得 今年
'Cause I think this is the year
妈妈自己不想惹麻烦
that Mom's gonna kick herself upstairs
所以就选我们其中一个来管事
and choose one of us to start running the show.
我得告诉你 杰森 我会找你麻烦的
And I got to tell you, Jason, that I'm gunning for your ass.
莱特斯通家如果没有卑躬屈膝和明争暗斗
What would a Lightstone family Christmas be
圣诞会变成什么样
without groveling and infighting?
夫人 你的玫瑰红葡萄酒
Your rosé, ma'am.
亲爱的 笑一笑吧 今天是圣诞节
Honey, smile. It's Christmas.
好吧 真棒
Good. Good girl.
我对我姐姐感到抱歉
I am sorry about my sister.
♪使精神明亮♪
♪骑马唱歌是多么有趣啊♪
见到你真的很高兴
It is really nice to see you.
你在这了
To have you here.
♪一路叮当响♪
好吧 是我落后了 跟我聊聊那些八卦吧
Okay, I'm behind. Catch me up on all the hot goss.
八卦 好吧
Hot goss. Okay.
嗯 你还记得伯特吗 我姐的骄傲和开心果
Um, well, you remember Bert, my sister's pride and joy.
哟 这里是伯特·洛克奢华的平安夜直播间
Yo, yo, yo. This is the Bert Locker
living that bling life on Christmas Eve.
“祝福”
Hashtag "blessed."
我猜这是他第一次被指控性骚扰
He just got what I can only assume
will be his first of many sexual harassment accusations.
Mom paid off the school,
老妈付清了学费
现在体育馆以我们的名字命名
and now the gymnasium is named after us.
Of course she did.
她当然会这么做
What about Tragic Mike?
那塔吉·麦克呢
我想说的是
All I'm saying is,
如果911事件的时候我在其中的一架飞机上
if I was on one of those planes,
那件事会以一群没有降落伞的恐怖分子
9/11 would've ended with a bunch of terrorists
在康涅狄格州上空跳伞而告终
skydiving over Connecticut without their parachutes.
-是的 你喜欢那样吗 -没错
-Yeah. You like that? - Yes. Yes.
是的 我很喜欢
- Yeah, I do like it. - Ooh.
-在我儿子面前亲我 -现在吗
- Kiss me in front of my son. - Now, huh?
他不去当演员就可惜了
He might actually be a decent actor.
他一直在为奥斯卡奖打工
- Hmm. -He's been doing an Oscar-worthy job
他假装觉得我姐姐很有魅力
of pretending to find my sister appealing. -
现在 他想让妈妈为他资助拍一部电影
Now he wants Mom to fund a film for him.
-是格特鲁德 -是老妈
- It's Gertrude! - It's Mom.
-好了 我们来干这个 -好的 快来
- Okay, let's do this. - Okay, okay. Come on.
-过来 伯特 来这儿 -不 妈妈
- Come on. Bert, get over here. - No. Mom. Mom!
-快就位 -游戏时间 伙计
- Positions. - Game time, buddy.
-好了好了 -这是我最好的一面
- Okay. Okay. - This is my good side.
我们说好了 来吧
We've gone over this! Come on!
天啊 好吧
Gosh. Okay.
伯特 站中间
Bert, get in the middle.
这就开始了
So it begins.
认真点 来吧 你知道是什么意思
Seriously, come. You know what that means.
我们得向前冲吗
Shall we jockey forward?
No.
不需要
不 我们可以退后点
No, we can hang back.
没错
Yeah.
特鲁迪 亲爱的
Trudy, honey?
过来
Come on over here.
就做…
Just, like...
威胁他们或贿赂他们的表情
Threaten 'em or bribe 'em.
这不是火箭科学
This isn't rocket science.
我们老是做这些破事
Same shit we always do.
你说什么
That's what?
你这样做就是最好的吗
That's the best you can do?
要见到你奶奶了 兴奋么
Excited to see your grandma?
听着 傻逼
Listen, you cocksucker.
今天是圣诞节 你为什么不带上最好的礼物
It's Christmas, so why don't you take
包好它 然后塞进你的破箱子里呢
your best offer, gift wrap it,
and ram it up your fucking box.
也许你不知道我是谁
Maybe you don't realize who I am.
奶奶说的那些话 你知道的 忘了它们
Those were Grandma words. You know, forget them.
哦 孩子 看看这里的帅小伙
Oh, boy. Look at Mr. Cool back here.
是的 你有什么看法 伙计
Yeah, what's your angle, man? Hmm?
什么都没有 我啥都没做
No angle. I'm not doing anything.
哦 好吧
Oh, yeah.
不
No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No!
别想蒙我了
Don't shit in my mouth and tell me it's chocolate cake.
奶奶真酷
Grandma's cool.
我可以让这个谎言消失
I can make that story go away...
我想你弟弟有什么事
I think your brother's up to something.
不 我今天只是想让你们享受
No, I just decided to let you guys
have all the fun sucking up to Mom today.
讨好妈妈的乐趣
Please. You are King Suck-up.
算了吧 你个大傻逼
你给你的孩子起名叫格特鲁德
You named your kid Gertrude.
阿尔瓦，你给你儿子起名叫伯特鲁德
Alva, you named your son Bertrude.
没关系啊
Okay.
抱歉 伯特 但那不是真名
Sorry, Bert, but that's not a real name.
不好意思 琳达 我们不可能都很幸运 都生女儿
Sorry, Linda. We can't all be lucky enough to have daughters.
老妈 你在说什么
Mom, I can hear you.
你知道一些我们不知道的 都是些什么事
You know something we don't. What is it?
不 我没有 什么都没有
No, I don't. I don't.
我明白了 答案正确
I got it. Bingo.
你完了 伙计 快点
I'm onto you, man. Come on!
- We were just... - Come on,
-我们就只是… -过来吧
快点
come on, come on, come on.
-你个混蛋 -噢
- You big sack of shit. - Ooh.
难怪你老公跟你离婚了
No wonder your husband left you.
我也祝你圣诞快乐 参议员
Merry Christmas to you, too, Senator.
圣诞快乐 妈妈 圣诞快乐
- Merry Christmas, Mommy. - Merry Christmas.
圣诞快乐
Merry Christmas.
你们刚刚一直站在这里干什么
Why in the hell are you standing all the way back there?
圣诞快乐 奶奶
Merry Christmas, Grandma!
-噢 -小婊子
- Aw. - Little bitch.
小格特鲁德 我最爱的孙女
Little Gertrude. And how is my favorite granddaughter?
现在大家都叫我特鲁迪
Everybody calls me Trudy now.
特鲁迪
Trudy?
-嗯 这听起来像个妓女的名字 -好吧
- Well, that makes her sound like a whore. -Okay.
哦 她都不知道妓女是什么意思
Oh, she doesn't even know the meaning of the word.
我饿坏了 咱们吃饭吧
I'm starving. Let's eat.
棒极了
Great.
老妈 我觉得格特鲁德听起来不错
And, Mom, I think Gertrude is a beautiful name.
我只叫她格特鲁德
Mm-hmm. I only call her Gertrude.
-圣诞快乐 格特鲁德 -来吧 伯特鲁德
- Merry Christmas, Gertrude. - Come on, Bertrude.
♪当孩子们熟睡时♪
♪我们会轻轻地爬下楼梯♪
♪然后我们锁上所有的门♪
♪只有你我和圣诞老人♪
♪我们会尽可能安静♪
♪在树下种玩具♪
♪我们会爬来爬去♪
♪只有你和我♪
♪还有圣诞老人♪
♪因为很快就会♪
清单：现金 游戏卡带
♪那神奇的时间♪
♪当我们听到午夜钟声♪
♪当那飞行的雪橇♪
♪终于飞走的时候♪
♪我们将度过一个非常快乐的圣诞节♪
♪我们将以最热烈的掌声为球队干杯♪
♪有史以来最好的♪
♪你和我还有圣诞老人♪
又一个该死的圣诞节
Another fucking Christmas.
这些都是我自己做的
I made these all by myself.
-我不相信 -嗯…
- No way. - Mm-hmm.
我甚至做了一个看起来和圣诞老人一模一样的
I even made one that looks exactly like Santa.
-确实一样 -当然了
- Exactly. - Yeah.
圣诞老人也有一根甘蔗糖吗
Santa gets a candy cane, too?
Yeah.
是啊
嗯 好吧
Mm, okay.
太完美了
It's perfect.
别拆出来偷看了
No peeking.
这房子有很多烟囱
This house has so many chimneys.
圣诞老人怎么知道该从哪一个下来呢
How will Santa know which one to come down?
噢 他会知道的
Oh, Santa just knows.
靠的是圣诞魔法
Christmas magic.
怎么了 亲爱的
Honey, what's wrong?
今年爸爸都没带我去商场看圣诞老人
Daddy never took me to see Santa at the mall this year.
他没有
He didn't.
我很抱歉
I am so sorry.
今年有点不一样
This year has been weird.
我从没有告诉圣诞老人我想要什么礼物
I never got to tell Santa what I wanted for Christmas.
Oh, honey. Come here.
哦 亲爱的 过来
你知道吗
You know what?
现在去穿上你的睡衣
You go put your pj's on,
and I will be two minutes.
我两分钟就到
对
Yes!
好的
Okay...
对
Yes.
没错
Yes!
因为你今年对我和妈妈都很好
Because you have been so good to me and Mommy this year,
我们决定给你一份礼物
we decided that you could have one gift...
早早的就给
early!
真的吗
- Really?
这是什么
What is it?
这是一个非常特别的对讲机
That is a very special walkie-talkie.
里面有魔法
It's magic.
-魔法吗 -嗯哼
- Magic? - Mm-hmm.
用了它 你就可以
What you got right there
跟圣诞老人直接热线通话
is a direct hotline to Santa Claus himself.
-我能和圣诞老人说话吗 -当然
- I can talk to Santa? - Oh, yeah.
就像给他写信一样 但打电话要更好
It's just like writing him a letter... but better.
但现在 唯一的问题是
Now, the only thing is,
他可能没有时间理你
he might not have time to answer you.
因为他今晚要送很多礼物
He's delivering a lot of presents tonight.
但你说什么 他都会听到的
But he'll hear everything you want to say to him.
你好 圣诞老人
Hello, Santa?
我是特鲁迪·莱特斯通
This is Trudy Lightstone.
我希望你今晚过得愉快
I hope you're having a nice night.
今晚真的很冷 所以别忘记戴手套
It's really cold tonight, so don't forget your mittens.
所以 我想告诉你 圣诞老人
So, I wanted to tell you, Santa,
我今年表现非常棒
I was extra good this year,
所以我给你写了一个大清单 上面有我想要的东西
so I wrote a big list for you with all the stuff I wanted.
但是
But then...
我后来意识到我不需要那些东西了
then I realized I don't need any of that.
我真的只想要一份圣诞礼物
I really only want one present for Christmas.
我想让爸爸妈妈和好
I want Mommy and Daddy to make up
这样我们就还是一家人
so we can be a family again.
好了
Okay.
晚安 圣诞老人
Good night, Santa.
晚安 兔子先生
Good night, Mr. Bunny.
你们谁干的
Which one of you did that?
You can't go two seconds without
你们就不能像一群鸽子一样
在屋顶上两秒钟不拉屎吗
crapping on the roof like a bunch of pigeons?
So unprofessional.
太不专业了
你知道 鲁道夫永远不会做这种事
You know, Rudolph will never do this crap.
原来是自己做的
Homemade.
呃
Ugh.
脱脂牛奶
Skim.
哦 是的
Oh, yeah.
就是这样
That's the stuff.
杜波伊
DuBoi...
这是战前的烂货
On some prewar shit right there.
真是好货色
- Good shit.
That pairs well.
不错
这里需要什么礼物呢
What do we have here?
噢 没错
Oh, yeah.
就是这样
That's the stuff.
你知道 呃
- You know, uh...
圣诞节很好
Christmas is all right,
但你们美国佬不庆祝我最喜欢的节日
but you Americans don't celebrate my favorite holiday.
哦 是吗 什么节
Oh, yeah? What?
节礼日
Boxing Day.
哟 这里是伯特·莱特斯通的梦幻直播间
Yo, yo. B. Lightstone here,
你知道…
live streaming the dream, you know.
他们说最富有的人…
They say the richest man...
说再见吧
Say goodbye.
如果你…
And if you...
奶奶 你的WiFi太烂了
Grandma! Your Wi-Fi sucks dick.
妈的
Damn it!
他小时候 我求过你打他
When he was small, I begged you to beat him.
嘿 圣诞快乐
Hey. Merry Christmas.
还是我现在应该说“节日快乐”呢
Or should I say "happy holidays" now?
对吗 我意思是 这就像 人们 下定决心
Right? I mean, it's like, people, make up your minds.
-你知道我在说什么吗 -有什么需要帮你的吗
- You know what I'm saying? - Can I help you?
Oh, yeah. I sure hope so. See, uh,
噢 当然 我确实需要帮助 你看 额
我的车有点毛病
my car broke down a little ways...
在外面吗 这是一条私家路
Out here? This is a private road.
你在告诉我
You're telling me.
我开了几英里 第一次看到这地方
It's the first place I've seen for miles.
我想我被冻伤了
I think I got frostbite.
我现在到底在哪
Where the hell am I, anyway?
G.T.莱特斯通家族大院
G.T. Lightstone family compound.
我帮你叫拖车吧
I'll call you a tow.
好了 狂欢者们
All right, revelers.
是时候偷走圣诞节了
Time to steal Christmas.
Sound off.
声音关闭
Jingle. Check.
叮当（代号 下同） 检查
薄荷 检查
Peppermint. Check.
甜李子 检查
Sugarplum. Check.
克兰普斯 他妈的准备好了
Krampus. Ready to fuck shit up.
糖果 检查
Candy Cane. Check.
去找霜冻 去找铝箔
- Go for Frosty. - Go for Tinsel.
吃姜饼去吧
Go for Gingerbread.
我们整晚都要用这些愚蠢的代号吗
Are we gonna use these stupid code names all night?
'Tis the season.
现在正是时候用
欢迎来到你有史以来最糟糕的圣诞节
Welcome to your worst Christmas ever.
特鲁迪喜欢在商场看到圣诞老人
Trudy loves seeing Santa at the mall.
她喜欢和她爸一起去
She loves going with her father.
你昨天应该带走她
And you should've taken her yesterday,
like you do every Christmas,
就像你每年圣诞节一样
但你音信全无
but we didn't even hear from you.
老妈给我安排了一个特别的项目
Mom put me on a special project.
-很复杂 -但不是这样的
- It's complicated. - But it's not,
因为它一直在重蹈覆辙
because it keeps happening over and over.
-你妈把自己逼到我们中间 -你赢了
- Your mother forcing herself between us. -You're right.
如果我们能给特鲁迪实现愿望呢
What if we could give Trudy her Christmas wish?
你想在你妈家 共度浪漫周末来赢回我吗
You're trying to win me back
with a romantic weekend at your mother's?
如果这次情况真的不一样了呢
What if things really changed this time?
我们摆脱了我妈的管束
We got out from under my mother's thumb.
咱们会分开的
We'll walk away.
各回各处
From the company, the family.
今晚
Tonight.
你想干什么
What are you up to?
我们走
Let's go.
我们要带你离开这里
We need to get you out of here.
老妈 你要去哪
Mommy, where are you going?
-她要去安全屋了 -什么
- She's going for the panic room! - What?
-是的 快走 伯特鲁德 -丢下我们吗
- Yes. Go, Bertrude. - Without us?
操
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
这个房间装不下我们所有人
There isn't room for all of us.
她至少能给我们两个人进去 妈妈 快带我走
She can fit at least two of us. Mom, take me.
-妈妈 -是的
- Mom! - Oh. Yeah.
M-Mom, can Bert come, too?
妈妈 伯特也能来吗
儿子 快走 不然就完了
Okay. Move it or lose it, son.
-快走 -哇
- Move it! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
你应该保护我们
You're supposed to protect us.
We protect the primary asset.
我们保护的是主资产
Who the hell are you?
你到底是谁
你可以叫我斯克鲁奇先生
You can call me Mr. Scrooge.
搞笑
Hilarious.
抓住他
Get him.
呸 混蛋
Bah humbug, motherfucker.
嘿 给我让开
Hey. Step aside.
小叮当 薄荷 上楼去
Tinsel, Peppermint, sweep upstairs.
我要把所有莱特斯通的人都放在一起
I want all the Lightstones together.
杀死你看到的所有人
Kill anybody else you find.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck.
操
特鲁迪 亲爱的 我们得走了
Trudy, honey, we got to go.
Wake up, honey. Wake up.
醒醒 亲爱的 醒醒
也许我们可以 从后面仆人的楼梯出去
Maybe we can get out the back by the servants' stairs.
哦 别这样 现在不行 不是现在
Oh, come on. Not now. Not now.
操
Fuck! Fuck!
槲寄生 姜饼
Mistletoe, gingerbread.
嘿
Hey!
哦
Oh. Oh.
嗨
Hi.
你抓住我了
You got me.
我不想惹任何麻烦 好吗
I don't want any trouble, okay?
Downstairs. Now.
现在 下楼
听着 先生 我不想被卷进去
Look, mister, I don't want to get involved.
我只是 我只是有工作要做
I just... I just have a job to do.
可以吗 就是这样
Okay? That's it.
我要拿我的包
I'm just gonna take my bag,
然后上烟囱去看看
and I'm just gonna scooch up that chimney.
够了 走吧
Enough talk. Let's go.
你活腻歪了吧
You don't want to do this.
什么 要这样吗
What? This?
现在 赶紧动身
Now, move!
你聋了吗
- Are you deaf?
他妈的 快点行动
Fucking move!
不
No, no, no.
不 等等
No! Wait!
等等
Wait.
等一下 不要走
Wait! Don't go!
给我回来
Come back!
噢 操
Oh, fuck!
哦 见鬼
Oh, shit.
该死的只因驯鹿 居然把我丢在这里等死
Damn chickenshit reindeer leave me here to die.
♪暴力之夜♪
♪酷炫的夜晚♪
♪一切都很平静♪
♪如果所有人都不想他妈的脑袋中枪♪
可笑
Cute.
你知道你他妈的是谁吗
Do you have any idea who you're fucking with?
我很清楚我在搞谁
I know exactly who I'm fucking with.
噢 等等 你真的认为
Oh, wait, wait. Did you actually think
我花了好几个月
that I spent months
计划入侵一个全国最安全最复杂的私人住宅
planning a complex break-in to the most secure
private residence in the country
难道我还不知道谁住在这里吗
and I didn't know who lived here?
不 你错了
Well, you're wrong.
因为你的员工都死了
'Cause your staff are dead.
你的保安也死了
- Your security are dead.
现在 坐下 给我他妈的闭嘴
Now, sit down and shut the fuck up!
噢 我操
Oh, fuck.
我们计划好了 没关系
We planned it. It's all right.
几分钟后就会解决
It'll be solved in a couple minutes.
最好是这样
Better be solved.
很像我电影《黑暗勒索》中的一幕
So much like a scene from my movie Dark Ransom.
哦 我的天啊
Oh, my God.
如果他们没有枪
If they didn't have guns,
我可以干掉三个 也许是四个
I could take out three, maybe four of them.
你可以试试全杀光
Try all of them.
噢 妈妈 真恶心
Ew, Mom. Yuck.
If you'd really done your research, you'd know
如果你真的做了研究 你就会知道
我哥哥罗里70年代的时候被绑架过
that my brother Rory was kidnapped in the '70s.
但我父亲从没有报警
But my father never called the police.
他派了我们自己的私人救援队
Dad sent in our own private extraction team,
一周以后 罗里便安然无恙地回到了家
and Rory was home safe and sound a week later.
绑架犯也一直没有找到
And the kidnappers were never found.
如果你抓到了我
If you get me.
我知道的
I know.
我知道你那个救援队的秘密行动
I know all about your extraction team
你也亲切地称它“敢死队”
that you affectionately call "the Kill Squad"
behind closed doors.
我也知道他们正在路上
I also know that they're on their way
他们需要多久才能到这里
and how long it's gonna take 'em to get here.
我甚至知道他们的信用等级和他们的屌有多大
I even know their credit ratings and their dick sizes.
如果你抓住我
If you get me.
那么你也得知道你已经死了
Then you should also know you're already dead.
我们不收赎金
We don't do ransoms.
说这么多都没用 我知道
Again, I know. I know.
我知道很多 格特鲁德
See, I know a lot, Gertrude.
真的 没骗你
I really do.
比如你楼下的私人金库里有三亿美元
Like the fact that you have 300 million in U.S. dollars
sitting in your personal vault downstairs.
-什么 -千真万确
- The fuck? - That's right.
美国政府给莱特斯通家族三亿美元
300 million that the U.S. government
让他们悄悄分发到中东那些最坏的人手里
gave Lightstone to quietly distribute in the Middle East
to all the worst people,
让他们的生意顺利进行
to grease the wheels and keep that sweet oil flowing.
3亿人 咻的一下 消失在战争的迷雾中
300 million that-- oops-- disappeared in the fog of war.
只是它没有真正消失 对不对 格蒂
Except it didn't really disappear, did it, Gerty?
因为你偷走了它
'Cause you stole it.
你知道这件事是吧
Did you know about this?
伙计 这家人
Man, this family.
这个贪婪的家庭
This moneygrubbing family.
拼命攫取你的财富
Clinging desperately to your wealth,
搞得你可怜的员工连小蒂姆取暖的煤都没有
when your poor employees don't even have enough coal
to keep Tiny Tim warm.
你是什么问题 圣诞节怎么还有你这种垃圾
What is it with you and all this Christmas shit?
随便你怎么说
Talk all you want.
你永远进不了金库
You'll never get in the vault.
噢 因为当你按下紧急按钮时
Oh, oh, oh, because when you-you hit the panic button,
它重置了密码
it reset the combination?
我一直跟你说 我什么都知道
I keep telling you, I know.
这就是闯入金库的后果吗
This is what breaking into a vault has turned into?
还记得你以前只需要钻洞炸东西吗
Remember when you just had to drill holes and blow shit up?
我忘记了 也许我老了
I don't know, maybe I'm getting old,
但这也有点浪漫
but there was something romantic about that.
老板 收到了吗
Boss, you copy?
我这边有点忙
I'm kind of busy here.
你一定想看看这个的
You're gonna want to see this.
也许他摔倒坠楼了
Maybe he fell.
你和他一起从楼上绕绳下来的
You rappel down buildings with him.
你要告诉我他仅仅是从窗户掉下来吗
You gonna tell me he just fell out a window?
好了 活泼点 伙计们
All right, look lively, gang.
尽管我们有一个下手没了
We got a gopher.
你知道吗
You know what?
嗯 我觉得兔子先生想睡觉了
Um, I think Mr. Bunny wants to go to sleep.
So, let's tuck him in.
所以 我们把他掖起来吧
可以吗
Okay?
一切都会好起来的
It's gonna be okay.
你好 圣诞老人
Hello? Santa?
你在吗
Are you there?
真倒霉
Shit.
这里是糖果 我在第三检查站
This is Candy Cane at checkpoint three.
哦 见鬼
Oh, shit.
真他妈倒霉
Shit. Shit. Shit.
电子游戏
Video game.
还是电子游戏
Video game.
没有人要球棒和剑吗
Didn't anybody ask for a bat or a sword
或者燃烧弹
or Molotov cocktails?
等等
Wait.
妈妈 我爱你
Mommy, I love you.
诗歌书
Poetry book.
狠狠地死在蓝光碟下吧 操
Die Hard on Blu-ray. Fuck!
♪可爱的姑娘♪
♪圣诞老人 他在哪里♪
♪圣诞老人 他在哪里 哦♪
保险栓开着 傻逼
Safety's on, dipshit.
♪可爱的姑娘♪
♪哦 圣诞老人在哪里♪
♪可爱的姑娘 啊哦♪
♪我找他是因为♪
等等
Wait. Hang on. Hang on.
♪今天是圣诞节前夕♪
等等 等等 听着
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Look.
我不想杀了你
I don't want to kill you.
哇 灰胡子的大胖子
Wow, a big fat guy, gray beard.
嗯哼…
Eh?
圣诞老人
Santa...
我要把你他妈的球扔了
I'm gonna rip your fucking balls off.
♪希望他别忘了敲响板♪
♪对他的驯鹿说♪
♪哦 潘乔 哦 维森♪
哦 妈的
Oh, shit.
♪可爱的姑娘♪
♪圣诞老人他在哪里♪
♪哦 圣诞老人在哪里♪
♪可爱的姑娘♪
♪今天是圣诞节前夕♪
♪圣诞节前夕♪
♪我希望他不会忘记♪
♪敲他的响板♪
♪对他的驯鹿说♪
♪哦 潘乔 哦 维森♪
♪好耶♪
♪可爱的姑娘♪
♪圣诞老人他在哪里♪
♪可爱的姑娘♪
♪哦 圣诞老人在哪里♪
♪可爱的姑娘♪
♪这是圣诞节前夕♪
♪可爱的姑娘♪
♪这是圣诞节前夕 可爱的姑娘♪
哦 天啊
Ah, God.
哇
Whew.
哇
Whew. Whew.
这里是糖果 正在检查
This is Candy Cane checking in.
大院已经安全了
Compound is clear and secured.
收到 敢死队的情况如何
Copy. What's the status on the Kill Squad?
敢死队不会在这里呆两个小时
Kill Squad won't be here for two hours.
我们干的不错 外面的危机已经解除
So we're doing good. The outer seal's already been breached.
这里是911吗
Is there a 911 thing on here?
我的…
My...
我这样操作对吗
Am I doing that correct?
喂
Hello?
喂 有人能听到我说话吗
Hello, can anybody hear me?
你能听见我吗 圣诞老人
Can you hear me, Santa?
喂
Hello?
是圣诞老人吗
Santa?
是的 我是圣诞老人
Yeah, this is Santa.
希望我没有打扰到你
I hope I'm not bothering you.
我爸爸说 你今晚很忙
Daddy said you were very busy tonight.
我…
I'm...
我要休息了
I'm on a break.
我这是在和谁说话
Who-who am I speaking to?
我叫特鲁迪·莱特斯通
My name is Trudy Lightstone,
今年我表现得很棒
and I've been very good this year.
特鲁迪
Trudy...
特鲁迪·莱特斯通
Trudy Lightstone.
（好）特鲁迪·莱特斯通：保持房间干净整洁 听父母的话 对动物友善 邀请古怪的孩子参加派对 对所有人善良
嘿 特鲁迪
Yeah, Trudy.
你在我的幸运名单上
You're on my nice list.
今年你一直表现得不错
You've been a very good girl this year.
你现在在哪里 特鲁迪
Where are you now, Trudy?
我和我所有的亲戚 在一个大房间里
I'm in a big room with all my relatives.
有两个坏人拿着枪看着我们
There's two bad men with guns watching us.
哦 不 还有六个人
Oh, no. Six left.
你会帮帮我们吗 圣诞老人
Are you gonna help us, Santa?
哦 是的 当然 我会帮你的
Yeah. Of course I'm gonna help you.
我要…我要把你弄出去
I'm gonna... I'm gonna get you out of there.
把这里的全部坏人都列入我的淘气名单
Take all these bad guys on my naughty list...
我要拿一大块煤
I'm gonna take a lump of coal,
塞到他们每一个人的…
each and every one of them, and shove it straight up...
屁股
The ass.
Well, I mean, come on, sweetie.
好吧 我是说 来吧 甜心
我们想让你留在幸运清单上 你知道的
We want to keep you on the nice list, you know.
抱歉 那我可以说“屁眼”吗
Sorry. Can I say "butthole," then?
我意思是 这不是一种东西
I mean, it's borderline.
那“肛门”又是什么呢
How about "anus"?
严谨点来说 是的 呃 “肛门”是术语
Technically, yes, uh, "anus" is the tech...
好吧 听着 呃 特鲁迪
Okay, look, uh, Tru... uh, Trudy.
我得打电话求救 因为电话线断了
I got to call for help, and the phone lines are down.
你可能比任何人都更了解这所房子
You probably know this house better than anybody.
You got any suggestions?
你有什么办法吗
我有个主意
I have an idea.
好了 你现在告诉我这儿有个该死的圣诞老人
All right, you're telling me there's a goddamn Santa Claus
在这跑来跑去对吗
running around here?
好吧 好吧 他看起来很他妈的快活
Okay, well, he looks jolly as fuck,
但他到底是谁
but who the hell is he?
员工名单上没有叫圣诞老人的
There's no Santa listed on the employee manifest.
是的 还有别的人
Yeah, there's more.
弗罗斯蒂没有在名单上登记 我找不到他
Frosty hasn't checked in. I can't reach him.
好吧 继续加油
All right, keep trying.
好吧 这是真的圣诞老人
All right, it's official.
我们有个手下在四处游荡 他很危险
We got a gopher on the loose, and he's dangerous.
看好你后面
Watch your backs.
艾尔
Al? Al?
噢 妈的
Oh, shit.
妈的 见鬼
Oh, shit!
霜冻 霜冻 你的情况如何
Frosty, what's your status?
霜冻 没有声音
Frosty, sound off.
呃 这里是霜冻
Uh, Frosty?
那是… 额
Is-is that, uh...
我在地下室遇到的那个淘气的家伙吗
is that the naughty guy I met in the basement?
你 你的朋友死了
Your-your friend is dead.
呃 他脸上有颗星星 头着火了
Uh, he got a star in his face, then his head caught on fire.
原因说来话长
It's a long story.
噢
Oh.
这是 这是我们的圣诞老人吗
Is this... is this our Santy?
这是我们的 我们的圣诞老人在说话吗
Is this our... our Santy Claus?
是的 没错
Yeah, it is.
我这是在和谁说话
To whom am I speaking?
好吧 今晚我是斯克鲁奇先生
Well, for tonight, I'm Mr. Scrooge.
现在 圣诞老人 你到底想干什么
Now, what is it that you want exactly, Santa?
我要你放下武器
I want you to put down your weapons,
我想让你把这家人放了
I want you to let this family go,
接着我想找到我的驯鹿
and then I want to find my reindeer,
我想继续送礼物
and I want to continue delivering my presents.
你他妈在跟我开玩笑吗
Are you fucking with me?
好吧 你到底是谁 啊
All right, who the hell are you really, huh?
一个看动作片看多了的保安吗
Some security guard who's watched too many action flicks?
在一个被困在商场里玩变装游戏的废柴前警察
Some loser ex-cop stuck in a mall
的腿上撒尿的肥仔吗
playing dress-up with fat kids pissing on your lap?
总是跟我唱反调
Stop me when I get it right.
比那复杂一点
It's a little more complicated than that.
不是我 不是
Not to me, it's not.
我把的假期任务清单作为我的个人使命
'Cause I want to make it my personal mission,
my holiday to-do list, to find you and to end you
我要找到你 干掉你
用你 还有整个该死的假期来擦屁股
and to wipe my ass with you and this whole fucking holiday.
这就是我想要的圣诞礼物 圣诞老人
That's what I want for Christmas, Santa.
圣诞节想要这礼物 太可怕了
That is a terrible thing to want for Christmas.
你应该和我当面好好聊聊
But maybe you and I should discuss that in person.
圣诞老人要进城了
Santa Claus is coming to town.
倒霉
Shit.
好了 你他妈雇了谁
All right, who did you hire
在你的圣诞派对上扮演圣诞老人 啊
to play Santa at your Christmas party, huh?
我说 是谁在你那该死的圣诞派对上
- I said, who's playing Santa
扮演圣诞老人
at your fucked-up Christmas party?
我没有雇什么圣诞老人
I didn't hire a Santa.
我从来没有雇过圣诞老人 那俗得要死
I never have a Santa. It's tacky.
那么 他是谁
So, who is he?
啊 他是谁
Huh? Who is he?
最好有人老实交代
Somebody better start talking,
不然我就用这个砸烂她的脑袋
or I'm gonna bash her brains in with this...
格特鲁德 你他妈真的很喜欢木头玩具吗
Damn, Gertrude. You really got a thing for nutcrackers, huh?
所以 我要折磨你的每个家人
So, I'm gonna torture everyone in your family
直到你告诉我谁在你的豪宅里跑来跑去
until you tell me who's running around your mansion
扮演想干死我的圣诞老人
playing Santa and fucking with my shit.
谁是第一个
And who should I pick first?
我应该按年龄来吗
Should I go by age?
嘘
- Shh.
还是我要看智商来选人
Or should I go by IQ?
选贾森 他是我妈的最爱
Pick Jason. He's my mom's favorite.
-就是他 -穿毛衣的那个
- Yep. Him. - The one in the sweater.
好了 是杰森·莱特斯通
All right. Jason Lightstone it is.
头号儿子 不
- The number one son. - No.
等等 等等 不 我们不应该
Wait, wait, wait. No, we don't need...
我们不应该这样 好吗
We don't need to do that. No, it's okay.
不 我们不用这样
No. No, no, no. We don't need to do this.
No. No, no, no, no.
不
不要
Don't, don't, don't.
-不要 不 -拿着
- No, don't... Put it... Don't... No. -
-不 -给我你他妈的手指头…
- No, no, no, no. No, no. - Give me this fucking...
我告诉你 我没有雇圣诞老人
I'm telling you, no one hired a Santa.
行 你说得对
All right, all right, all right. You're right.
你说得对 我们停手吧
You're right. Let's stop it. Let's stop it.
我们在这做什么 来吧
What are we doing here? Come on.
我们是什么人 这是业余爱好吗 我们可没有操心
What are we, amateurs? We're half-assing this.
来吧 这不叫夹手指
Come on. It's not called a finger cracker.
好了 糖果
Okay, Candy Cane.
把他的“枪”放进去
Stick one of his bozaks in there.
我不会碰他的蛋蛋
I'm not touching his balls.
什么 你怎么像个公主一样
What, are you a princess all of a sudden?
我以前还见你挖过脑子
I've seen you scoop out brains before.
如果你想让我挖他的脑袋
You want me to scoop his brains out,
我现在就把他的脑袋挖出来
I'll scoop his brains out right now,
但我绝不会碰他下面
but I'm not touching his junk.
我不管是谁
I don't care who does it.
我最好三秒后看到他的蛋蛋扁了
I better be looking at flat balls,
like, in three seconds.
我来吧
I'll do it.
克兰普斯 完美
Krampus. Perfect.
Oh, not that guy. Not that guy.
噢 别让他来
这就是我喜欢反社会者的原因
That's what I love about sociopaths.
他们总是勇于尝试新事物
Always up for trying new things.
你不用这样 好吗
You don't need to do this, okay?
不 好了 噢 不
No, it's all right. Um... Oh, no.
不 我的天啊
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
噢 天啊 我的天
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
把你的蛋蛋放进去
Put your nuts in.
“好吃”
Yummy, yummy.
别伤害我爸爸了
Stop hurting my daddy...
or Santa will get mad.
不然圣诞老人会生气的
啊 真可爱
Ah, what a cutie.
那么 我们对圣诞老人了解多少 小家伙
So, what do we know about Santa, little one?
她对圣诞老人一无所知
She doesn't know anything about Santa.
他没在问你
He wasn't asking you.
She's playing make-believe.
都是她假想的
她假装和圣诞老人说话
She's pretending to talk to Santa.
我没在假装 圣诞老人是我的朋友
It's not pretend. Santa's my friend,
他说他会来救我们的
and he said he's going to save us.
不要
No.
-然后狠狠揍你一顿 -噢 是吗
- And beat you up. - Oh, is he?
我打赌
I bet he'd come out of hiding if you asked him to, huh?
只要你让他出来
他就会出来
你跟我来怎么样
What do you say you come with me
-然后我们跟他玩个小游戏 好吗 -不要
- and we play a little game with him, huh? -No, no, no.
特鲁迪 快告诉他真相
Trudy, come on. Tell him the truth now.
-你不是在和圣诞老人说话 -不 我真的跟她说话了
- You aren't talking to Santa. - Yes, I am.
不 你没有 快点 快说
No, you're not. Come on, now.
-不 我真的跟他说话了 -妈的 特鲁迪 圣诞老人不是真的
- Yes, I am. -Damn it, Trudy, Santa isn't real!
对不起 亲爱的
I'm sorry, honey.
圣诞老人只是大人们安慰孩子的东西
Santa's just a thing adults tell kids
让他们能好受点 知道吗
to make them feel better, okay?
你妈妈和我给你礼物
Your mommy and I give you the presents,
我们说那些是圣诞老人给你的
and we say they're from Santa.
他不会来救我们的
He's not coming to save us.
他是不存在的
He doesn't exist.
这些都是捏造的
It's all made-up.
-真的吗 -啊哦
- Really? - Aw.
怎么知道圣诞老人根本不存在呢
What a way to find out that there's no Santa.
嘿 让我们回到复活节 毁了复活节兔子
Hey, let's come back Easter and ruin the Easter Bunny
-为她吗 哈
- for her, too, huh?
特鲁迪 回来
- Trudy! - Come back here!
-阻止她 -特鲁迪 嘿
- Stop her! - Trudy! -Hey!
你们这些白痴 给我坚守岗位
You idiots, stay at your posts.
特鲁迪
Trudy!
我会找到这个小家伙的
I'll find this little brat.
好了
Okay.
圣诞老人
Santa. Santa.
- Santa!
我是特鲁迪
This is Trudy.
你没事吧 圣诞老人
- Are you okay, Santa?
你好 嘿
Hi. Hey.
你没事吧
Are you okay?
我很好 呃
I'm good. Uh...
我只是在包一些礼物
I was just wrapping something up.
我跑开了 躲在阁楼里
I ran away and hid in the attic.
好的 如果那里很安全
Okay. If you're safe...
就待在那里 保持安静 好吗
uh, just stay there and, uh, stay quiet, all right?
好吧 我可以布置一个陷阱 就像《小鬼当家》里那样
Okay. I can set up booby traps, like in Home Alone.
好吧 我不知道这是什么意思
Okay, I don't know what that means,
但是 嗯 好吧 那你弄吧
but, uh, yeah, do that.
记住 要安静
Just do it quietly.
Are you really Santa?
你真的是圣诞老人吗
我当然是 亲爱的
Of course I am, sweetheart.
我爸爸说没有圣诞老人
My daddy says there isn't any Santa.
他说 父母之所以告诉孩子圣诞老人是真的
He says parents just tell their kids that Santa's real
是因为想让他们好受点
to make them feel better.
爸爸说 圣诞老人会给我们礼物
He said they give us presents
他还说说那些礼物来自圣诞老人
and say they're from Santa.
是啊
Yeah.
是的 很多父母都这么说
Yeah, a lot of parents say that.
但我 还是会给需要我的孩子带礼物
But I still bring presents to kids that need me.
那些真正相信我的孩子
Kids who really believe.
你怎么知道谁真正需要你
How do you know who really needs you?
靠的是圣诞魔法
Christmas magic.
其实我也不太确定…
I'm not really sure how it works.
但是 呃
But, uh...
我记得 嗯…
I remember, um...
当特鲁迪·莱特斯通给我写信的时候
when Trudy Lightstone wrote to me.
她大概六岁
She must have been about six years old,
她说 她有时感到孤独
and she said that she felt lonely sometimes.
她想念她最好的朋友
She missed having a best friend.
所以我把她带来了
And so I brought her
一只漂亮的小毛绒兔子
a beautiful little stuffed rabbit.
那是兔子先生
Mr. Bunny.
然后 我记得第二年
And then I remember the next year,
你说你做了一个很美的梦
and you said you had this amazing dream
在梦里 你想做的就是
and that, afterwards, all you wanted to do was...
飞起来
To fly!
To fly. To fly.
我的意思是 圣诞老人可能会有一些魔法 但…
I mean, Santa might have some magic, but...
让小女孩飞起来… 这有点难
making a little girl fly?
但是如果我给你一只风筝
But giving you a kite,
让它漂浮在云层之下
floating just beneath the clouds,
嗯…总比没有好
well, it's about as good as it gets.
我知道
I knew it.
我知道你是真的 圣诞老人
I knew you were real, Santa.
不要为难你的父母 好吗
Don't be too hard on your parents, all right?
成年人接受事实 要花很长时间
Grown-ups have a hard time believing things.
你会用你的圣诞魔法
Can you use your Christmas magic
让爸爸妈妈们和好吗
to make them love each other again?
我也希望我有那种力量
I wish I had that kind of power.
圣诞奶奶和我结婚已经一年了
Mrs. Claus and I have been going on year, uh,
嗯…一千一百年了
1,100, and...
成年人的关系很复杂
Grown-up relationships are complicated.
他们还需要工作
It takes work.
做很多工作
A lot of work.
你还爱她吗
Do you still love her?
是的 当然
Yeah, I do.
有时 即使你想让某人开心
And sometimes, even if you want to make somebody happy...
…魔法有时也会消失
...the magic just goes away.
嘿
Hey.
我有个主意
I've got an idea.
会很有趣的
This will be fun.
你们为什么不打开那堆礼物
Why don't you guys open your presents?
我想看看你们这些有钱的傻逼 能得什么礼物
I want to see what you rich assholes get each other.
有些人可能撑不到明天早上
And some of you might not make it till tomorrow morning,
so this could be your only chance.
所以这可能是你们唯一的机会
来吧
Come on.
圣诞精神在哪儿
Where's the Christmas spirit?
嗯…
Uh...
格特鲁德 呃 我给你买了点很特别的东西
Gertrude, uh, I got you something pretty special.
听见了吗 格特鲁德
Did you hear that, Gertrude?
他给你买了特别的东西
He got you something amazing.
呃 那会是什么
Oh, what could it be?
哦 我的天 这太令人兴奋了
Oh, my God, this is exciting.
妈妈
Mom.
我可以叫你妈妈吗
Can I call you Mom?
莱特斯通夫人
Mrs. Lightstone.
好吧 在商业里 他们称之为
Okay, so in the business, they call this...
一个推销平台
...a pitch deck.
-推销平台 -是的
- Pitch deck. - Yeah.
这叫做《爆发力》
It's called Explosive Force.
由我主演
Starring me.
如果你看背面
And if you look in the back,
上面会有财务数字
there are the financial numbers.
我在亚洲算是个大人物
I'm kind of a big deal in Asia.
至少在亚洲一部分地区
Parts of Asia, at least.
我们曾经去过亚洲的一些地方
We were in parts of Asia once, and, like,
但几乎不能去餐馆吃饭
we couldn't even go to a restaurant.
啊 还有什么比珍贵机会
Ah, what is there a better gift than...
更好的礼物呢
gift of a golden opportunity?
噢 不
Oh, no.
奶奶肯定不喜欢
Granny doesn't like it.
妈妈 我给你带了些特别的礼物
Mother, I got you something really special.
这是我出生那天的一张感伤照片
It's a sentimental photo of the day I was born.
我记得
I remember.
我当时在那里
I was there.
她屁都不在乎
She doesn't give a shit.
咻~ 又失手了
- Swing and miss again!
太好玩了
This is so fun.
妈妈 再开一个怎么样
Mommy, how about another one?
我给你带来了很多好东西
I got you a lot of good things.
-我去拿一个过来 -阿尔瓦 坐下
- I'll grab one. - Alva, Alva, sit down.
你已经给我看过一个了 这次
You've already given me one. It's...
轮到杰森了
It's Jason's turn.
我想…我把它忘在车里了
I th... I-I think I left it in the car.
不可能 我刚才看到你在圣诞树下放了一个
No, I-I saw you put one under the tree earlier.
-不 它在 -是的
- No. It's in the... - Yeah, I did.
我可以发誓 你知道吗 呃
I could've sworn. You know what, it's, uh...
你别…
Y-You don't... you don't... you don't... you...
就是这个 对吧 兄弟 我拿到了
It's this one, right? Yeah, I got you, bro.
开始拆吧
Come on.
我谢谢你啊
Thank you.
这是我最喜欢的威士忌
It's my favorite whiskey.
你可以不用看那个便条的
You can skip the note.
Thank you, Jason.
谢谢你 杰森
卡片上写什么了
What's the card say?
I think I'll just keep that between Jason and I.
我会保守秘密的 只有我和杰森知道
没人想知道 对吧 杰森
No one really needs to know. Right, Jason?
当然
Right.
你有爸爸妈妈吗
Did you ever have a mommy and daddy?
是的 我当然有
Yeah, of course I had a mommy and daddy.
有时候 我不总是圣诞老人
I wasn't... I wasn't always Santa Claus.
在当圣诞老人之前 我有过一段生活
I had a life before this.
在很久很久以前
A long, long, long time ago.
他们以前经常叫我…呃
They used to call me, uh...
尼科蒙德
Nicomund.
瑞德·尼科蒙德
Nicomund the Red.
那时你干别的工作吗
You had a different job then?
是的 你可以这么说
Yeah, you could say that.
当时 我是个战士
I was a warrior.
一个掠袭者 一个小偷
A raider. A thief.
如果有人挡了我的路
- And if somebody got in my way,
我和碎颅者会…
me and Skullcrusher would...
谁是碎颅者
Who's Skullcrusher?
碎颅者是我的
Skullcrusher's my, uh...
我的锤子
my hammer.
我最喜欢的锤子
My favorite hammer.
我以前也当过外科医生
I was a surgeon with that thing.
以前可以拿三个人头 把他们排成一排…
Used to be able to take three heads, line 'em up...
但 为什么
But why?
什么为什么
What?
你为什么要做这种事
Why'd you do those things?
因为我很凶狠
Because I was mean.
我也很贪婪
And I was greedy.
我想要金子和珠宝
And I wanted gold, jewels.
是的 我是说 如果当时有淘气名单的话
Yeah, I mean, if there was a naughty list back then,
我会排在第一个
I'd be top dog.
也许
Well, maybe...
什么
What?
也许你以前做过的那些坏事…
Maybe all those bad things you used to do...
…可以变成好事
...maybe you can use them to do good things instead.
去帮助别人
To help.
什么意思
What do you mean?
你送我的兔子先生 他不只是一个玩具
Mr. Bunny, he wasn't just a toy.
那天晚上 你给了我最想要的
That night, you gave me what I wished for.
最好的朋友
A best friend.
因为你人很好 又善良
'Cause you're good and kind.
你的意义不仅仅是给别人送去礼物
And you mean more than just the presents you bring.
That's why I believe in you, Santa.
这就是我相信你的原因 圣诞老人
所以我为什么会相信你
That's why I believe.
谢谢你
Thank you.
你躲起来 特鲁迪 直到我来接你
You stay hidden, Trudy, till I come get you.
注意安全
Stay safe.
好了 经卫星确认
All right, we got satellite confirmation.
撤离队已经出发了
Extraction team's on the go.
预计到达时间 30分钟
30 minutes.
我们按计划进行
We're on schedule.
一切都很顺利
Everything's good.
好了 伙计们
- All right, fellas.
Look alive, look alive.
精神点
你们都知道计划
You all know the plan,
我希望我们的行动快而有力 杀人最少
and I like my operations
hard and fast with minimal cleanup.
现在 如果有个白痴挡了你的路 你会怎么办
Now, some idiot gets in your way, what do you do?
把他们全部干掉
Fuck their shit up right!
Damn right.
他妈的 太对了
开始干活了
- Time to lube up.
走吧 混蛋们
Let's go, motherfuckers! Let's go!
这个该死的家庭
This fucking family.
圣诞快乐
- Merry Christmas.
节日快乐
Happy holidays.
叛徒
Traitor.
我在东楼发现他了
I got him in the east wing.
好了 我们在路上 拖住他
All right, we're on our way. Hold him.
让开
Step aside.
现在 这个又累又老又肥的混蛋
Now, how did this tired, old,
会怎么打败我们
fat piece of shit get the drop on us?
我不知道
I don't know.
他赤手空拳
He's not even armed.
这个包是他身上唯一的东西
This bag is the only thing he had on him.
里面有什么
What's in there?
什么都没有
Can't see anything.
在这呢 快给我
Here, give it to me.
什么样的白痴
What kind of moron...
会随身带着一副象棋
carries a chess set with him?
什么鬼
What the fuck?
没道理啊 看看这些破烂
Doesn't make any sense. Look at all this shit.
那么 你要告诉我们这个包里面有什么噱头吗
So, you're gonna tell us what's the gimmick with the bag?
这里面有魔法
It's magic.
你把手伸进去 礼物会出来
You put your hand in, out comes a present.
我也不太明白它为什么是这样
I don't really understand how it works, either.
所以 你是斯克鲁奇先生
So, you're Mr. Scrooge.
当然
That's right.
但你又是谁
But who are you?
圣诞老人（德语）
Weihnachtsmann.
圣诞老人（挪威语）
Julenissen.
圣诞老人
Shèngdàn Laorén.
（意大利语、法语、宗教）圣诞老人
Babbo Natale, Père Noel, Kris Kringle.
Jolly old Saint Nick.
快乐的圣诞老人
人们有各种各样的语言叫我
People call me a lot of things.
哈哈哈 挺有意思
Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.
Or should I say, "Ho, ho, ho"?
还是我应该说 “呵呵”
如果你是圣诞老人的话 你的驯鹿在哪呢
If you're Santa, where's your reindeer?
他们在屋顶上
They were on the roof
直到我把那个家伙变成冰棍
until that guy I turned into an ice kebab just...
你不相信我吗
You don't believe me?
去检查一下
Go check.
普兰瑟在上面留下了一根美味的木头
Prancer left a tasty log up there.
这个该死的家伙
This fucking guy.
你不认为
You don't think...
现在 我知道你是个白痴 但不要大声说出来
Now, I know you're an idiot, but don't be an idiot out loud.
拜托 他只是一个拿着破烂魔术袋的圣诞老人
Come on, he's just in Santy Claus
with a fucking trick bag.
噢 不
Oh, no!
那个袋子里装满了孩子们的梦想
That bag was full of kids' dreams!
Oh, come on.
哦 来吧
每个人都知道 圣诞梦都是狗屁
Everybody knows that Christmas dreams are bullshit.
我老爸每年圣诞节都搞得很隆重
My father used to make a big deal out of it
every Christmas.
每个该死的圣诞节都有礼物、糖果、装饰品
Every freaking Christmas with the presents
and the candy and the decorations
还有圣诞颂歌和那些狗屁
and the Christmas caroling and all that bullshit.
然后当我
And then when I was...
我忘了 十 十一岁的时候
I don't know, ten, 11,
他被解雇了 那年的圣诞节
he got laid off, and that Christmas,
甚至买不起一棵圣诞树
couldn't even afford a tree.
没有圣诞晚餐 没有礼物
No Christmas dinner, no gifts.
屁都没有
Nothing, nada, culo, dick.
但我们的邻居…
But our neighbors...
我们的邻居 噢 他们什么都有
our neighbors, oh, they had it all.
我能看到圣诞节的欢乐气氛
I could see all that yuletide cheer
透过他们的窗户 嘲笑着我
through their window mocking me.
平安夜来了 然后…
So Christmas Eve rolls around, and...
我等着大家都上床睡觉
I waited for everybody to go to bed.
然后我就悄悄溜进去 把它全拿走了
And then I snuck in there to take it all.
唯一的问题是 有一次 爷爷起来撒尿的时候
Only problem was that the gramps got up to take a piss
我们俩被吓得屁滚尿流
and the two of us scared the shit out of each other.
他从楼梯上摔下来
And, um, he fell down the stairs
脖子摔断了 然后…他在医院里死了
and-and broke his neck, and he died in the hospital.
大家都以为是我干的
Everybody thought that I did it,
每次我想告诉他们
and every time I tried to tell them,
我试着跟他们解释…
I tried to tell them that...
不管怎样 也许真是我干的
Anyway, maybe I did do it.
也许我真的推了他一下
Maybe I did push him.
可怜的老混蛋
Poor old fucker.
所以 知道了吧 圣诞节毁了我的生活
So, you see, Christmas ruined my life.
行了吧 你知道吗
Okay? But you know what?
它使我走上了不归路
It set me on the path
使我成为今天这样糟糕的人
and made me the great man that I am today.
对不起 吉米
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
我真的是圣诞老人
I really am.
但我要准备礼物 为圣诞节欢呼
But I do gifts. I do Christmas cheer.
我不干涉别人的生活
I don't get involved in people's lives.
哦 是吗 好 也许你他妈的应该干涉一下
Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, maybe you fucking should!
嗯 他怎么知道你的名字
Um, how did he know your name?
噢 比约恩
Oh, Bjorn.
你还想说什么
What's your excuse?
哈
Huh?
82年 你想要的那辆赫菲自行车不是我给你买的吗
Didn't I get you that Huffy bike you wanted back in '82?
One you wrote me 50 times about!
你写了五十次信给我
基拉 你呢
What about you, Kira?
你还让你哥吃虫子了
Well, you made your brother eat worms.
怎么这么调皮
That's naughty!
好了 他怎么知道我的自行车
Okay, how does he know about my bike?
“嘿 你喜欢大奶子吗”
"Hey, do you like big tits?"
每个孩子都想要一个破烂自行车 好吧
Come on, every kid wants a fucking bike.
-你得告诉我你为谁工作 -噢 天啊 不
- You're gonna tell me who you work for... -Oh, Christ. No.
…接着 你有五秒钟告诉我你是谁
...then you've got five seconds to tell me who you really are.
五、四、三、二…
Five, four, three, two...
我是圣诞老人
I'm Santa Claus!
好了 现在不是了
Well, not anymore.
Is it snowing?
下雪了吗
这…他用圣诞魔法了吗
Is he doing this with Santa magic?
给下面下点雪吧
Let it snow!
这不是雪
It's not snow.
这就是泡沫塑料
It's Styrofoam.
我告诉过你这家伙是个大骗子
I told you this guy's a big phony.
他上哪去了
Where'd he go?
他上了烟囱
He went up the chimney.
-我看见了 -我不知道
- I saw it. - I don't know,
他肯定有一套钻机 还是滑轮的东西
he had a rig or some pulley system
-那玩意把他拉了起来 -你上不去的
- that just yanked him up. - You can't fit up there.
-这不太可能 -噢 你看到奇怪的东西
- It's impossible. - Oh, you see one weird thing,
就觉得自己在童话里吗
and then you think you're in a fairy tale?
Incoming.
要进来了
雪橇铃快到了
We've got sleigh bells approaching.
噢 我的天啊
Oh, my God.
他的驯鹿来了
It's his reindeer.
放屁 是救援队
- It's the extraction team.
给我打起精神来
Pull yourselves together!
这是我敢死队的声音
And that is the sound of my Kill Squad.
噢 你他妈快死了
Oh, you're fizzity-fucked now.
哈 你想干什么 你个臭妖精
Huh? What are you gonna do? You little elf bitch.
操…
Fu...
伯蒂
Bertie.
“祝福”
Hashtag "blessed."
干你啊
Yeah!
我飞~
Parkour.
宝贝 干掉他
Kill him, babe!
噢
-Oh!
摩根会救我们的
Morgan's gonna save us.
傻逼让·克劳德·范 把我们丢下了 亲爱的
Jean-Claude Van Dipshit just ditched us, sweetie.
别开火
Hold your fire.
咕噜咕噜滚
Barrel roll!
放松
Easy, easy.
-当然 -我很放松
-Yeah! - Easy.
我要确认你是谁
Identify yourself.
我是人质之一
I'm one of the hostages.
演员摩根·斯蒂尔
Morgan Steel, the actor.
我以前演过很多种士兵
Played a lot of soldiers in my career.
我能说 谢谢你的效劳吗 永远忠诚
Can I just say, thank you for your service. Semper fi.
里面是什么情况
What's the situation inside?
一群退伍军人
Bunch of ex-military guys,
我先声明 他们知道你要来
but I got to warn you, they know you're coming.
我想他们已经为你们准备好了
I think they're ready for you.
最好是这样
They better be.
我们的时间很紧
We're on a tight schedule.
操
Shit.
噢 他妈…
Oh, f...
-好了 我们撤吧 -咱们撤
- All right, let's move out. - Let's move out.
来吧
Come on.
你一定是在开玩笑
You got to be kidding me.
嘿 索普 你迟到十分钟了
Hey, Thorp, you're ten minutes late.
是什么事耽误你了
What kept you?
在我看来 你有个漏网之鱼
Looks to me like your net's got a hole in it.
还是你只想让人质出去锻炼一会
Or are you just letting your hostages out for some exercise?
不 我们有一个手下到处跑
No, no, no. We got a wild gopher running around
把事情复杂化了 还他妈了惹麻烦
complicating shit and causing problems.
Who? Lightstone security?
谁 莱特斯通家的保安吗
不 我不觉得 是一个装扮成圣诞老人的闯入者
Nah, I don't think so. Some intruder dressed as Santa.
但我得告诉你
But I'm telling you, I'm telling you,
他有点奇怪
there's something weird about him.
他可能是真的圣诞老人
Might be the real Santa.
-她刚刚说了什么鸟话 -没什么
- The fuck did she just say? - Nothing, nothing.
她只是在开玩笑
She's joking.
我的小队会处理好的
My squad will take care of it.
B队 找到这个混蛋
Beta Team, go find this asshole.
行动
Go.
现在 咱们去开礼物吧 好吗
Now, let's unwrap our present, shall we?
好了 你也知道了
All right, you heard the man.
是时候杀死圣诞老人了
Time to kill Santa.
我发现他了 他在屋顶上
I've got him. He's on the roof.
收到 我看到他了
Roger that. I got eyes on him.
来吧 宝贝儿 按下按钮
Right, Sugarplum. Hit that button.
我们来咯
Here we go.
Our skeleton key.
我们的万能钥匙
开门的魔法棒
The "open" magic stick.
这他妈最好管用
This better fucking work.
我的职业生涯和名声都要毁了
I'm flushing my career for this, my reputation.
那你可以花钱给自己买名声
Yeah, well, then you can buy yourself a new rep.
小时候
As a kid, I loved
我太喜欢拆圣诞礼物了
unwrapping Christmas presents so much
所以我妈会给我包一些空盒子
that my mom would wrap empty boxes for me.
我不在乎里面有没有东西
I didn't care that nothing was inside.
这他妈在开玩笑吧
Is this a fucking joke?
不会吧
No.
你说了东西会在这儿
You said it would fucking be here!
我告诉你 我的情报绝对可靠
I'm telling you, my intel was rock solid.
我有手下混进去了的
I had guys on the inside.
昨天有三亿现金
300 million in cash was delivered here yesterday
被送到了这该死的豪宅
to this fucking mansion.
肯定有人半路截胡了
Somebody must've intercepted it.
狗娘养的
Son of a bitch.
噢 见鬼
Oh, shit.
圣诞老人 你没事吧
Santa, you okay?
圣诞老人
Santa.
又有一群新的坏人了
A bunch of new bad guys showed up.
他们在淘气名单上
They're on the naughty list.
他们有他们的小工具和小发明
They got their gadgets and their gizmos on them.
孩子 我很抱歉 我想就这样了
I'm sorry. I think this is it, kid.
不 不要这样
No, no, don't say that.
淘气名单…
The naughty list...
只会慢慢变多
just grows and grows.
他在那座房子里 打开身体相机
He's in that structure. Body cams on.
不要放弃
Don't give up.
圣诞老人 这次请你许个愿
You make a wish this time, Santa.
就这一次
Just this once.
如果你能拥有这个世界的一切
If you could have anything in this world,
那会是什么东西
what would it be?
我希望 再见到圣诞奶奶
I wish I could see Mrs. Claus again,
我想告诉她 我有多么爱她
tell her how much I love her.
接着 你会实现这个愿望
Then you make that wish come true.
噢 糟糕
- Oh, shit.
不
No, no, no, no. No, no.
噢 天啊
Oh, God.
不要
No.
你说 这些家伙很调皮
You said these guys, they're naughty.
那你想怎么对付他们
And what do you do to the naughty ones?
我会给他们一块煤
I give them a lump of coal.
Yeah. Give them their lumps.
是的 快给他们一块
拿着那块煤 直接塞进…
Take that coal and shove it straight up their...
-肛门 -没错
- Anuses. - Yeah!
They're right outside.
他们现在就在外面
圣诞老人会像吃一盘饼干一样
Santa's gonna eat through these guys
吃掉这些家伙的
like a plate full of cookies.
走
Move, move.
Hey, lock it up.
嘿 闭嘴
圣诞老人准备受死了
Lights down.
待在我身后
Stay at my back.
好了 这里安全了 兄弟们
All right, we got this, boys.
好了 我他妈的 钱在哪里
All right, where the fuck is my money?!
钱在哪儿
Where's the money?!
好了 到现在为止我一直很仁慈
All right, I've been a sweetheart up to now.
但一切都结束了
But that's all over.
别他妈再跟我耍花招了
No more fucking games!
钱在哪儿
Where's the money?
不然我就把你们所有人都好好开枪射一遍
Or I will shoot every last one of you and enjoy it.
-在保险库 -我刚从保险库回来
- It's in the vault. - I just looked in the vault.
如果钱在里面
Had the money been in there,
我脸上不会是这个表情
I'd have a different expression on my face.
不可能的
Impossible.
那地方 要花好几天才能进去
Takes days to get into that thing.
如果我们有钥匙 就不用了 莱特斯通夫人
Not if we have the key, Mrs. Lightstone.
索普
Thorp.
这年头 谁都不能信了
You can't trust anyone these days.
我不知道是怎么回事
I'm not sure how, but you
你或者你的傻逼小孩 肯定把钱移走了
or one of your shithead kids moved the money.
搞得我很不高兴
And this upsets me.
让我心烦
It upsets me
某种程度上 我现在想随便向你们开枪
in a way that makes me want to just randomly shoot at people.
等等 不好意思
Hold on. Just... Sorry.
- Um... - What? What?
-嗯… -什么
呃 如果你随意开枪
Uh, what if you randomly shoot
射中了 唯一知道钱在哪里的人怎么办
the only person who knows where it is?
我测你们玛的
Oh, fuck you people!
♪我们等了整整一年♪
♪为了这一天的到来♪
♪当我们可以在一起的时候♪
♪和谐地♪
♪你知道时间会到来的♪
♪人人享有地球和平♪
尝尝这个
Suck on this.
♪我们可以永生♪
♪在一个我们自由的世界里♪
♪让它为你我闪耀♪
♪圣诞节有些事♪
♪关于圣诞节的事♪
♪这让你希望每天都是圣诞节♪
伙计们 给我点回应
I need some feedback, guys.
伙计们 到底怎么回事
Guys, what the hell is going on?
♪老人们的微笑方式♪
♪说圣诞节永远不会过去♪
♪今晚 我们合为一体♪
♪不管你是黑人还是白人♪
♪因为我们可以一起唱歌♪
♪和谐地♪
♪我知道现在还不晚♪
♪世界将是♪
♪一个更好的地方♪
♪如果我们能保持精神♪
-那是什么 -嗯
- What's that? - Huh?
♪不止一天 不止一年♪
♪请响亮大声地喊出那句话♪
♪圣诞节有些事♪
♪关于圣诞节的事♪
♪这让你希望每天都是圣诞节♪
♪看到孩子们眼中的快乐♪
♪老人们微笑的样子♪
♪说圣诞节永远不会过去♪
♪这是一年中团聚的时光♪
我的 天啊
Jesus Christ.
不 我只是快乐的圣诞老人
Nope. Just jolly old Saint Nick.
♪今天是圣诞节♪
♪当你爱的人在那里♪
♪你可以感受到空气中的魔力♪
-噢 天啊 -还给你
-Oh, God! - There you go.
送你个小礼物
A little stocking stuffer.
操 它跑哪去了
Where is it? Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
操
-我要好好看看 -操
- I got to watch. - Fuck!
哈哈 天啊
Ho-Ho-Holy shit.
♪圣诞节永远不会过去♪
格特鲁德永远不会相信任何对这类信息一无所知的人
Gertrude would never trust anybody
who wasn't blood with this kind of info.
所以
So...
姻亲们什么都不会知道
the in-laws wouldn't know shit,
这样的话我就可以干掉她
which means that I can shoot her...
…除非你告诉我钱在哪里
...unless you tell me where the fucking money is.
别这样 好吗 今天是圣诞节
Please don't, okay? It's Christmas.
闭嘴
Shut up!
我发誓我绝对会打爆她的脑袋
I swear, I'll blow her brains out
除非你告诉我钱去哪儿了
unless you tell me where the money went.
是我干的
I did it!
-什么 -是的 好了 真是我干的
- What? - Okay. Yeah, I did it.
-我把钱移走了 -别 别当傻瓜
- I moved the money. - No, d-don't-don't be an idiot.
-什么 -钱是就是我们的一切 我们的筹码
- What? - The money's our only leverage.
我老婆头上有一把鸟枪 所以…
Well, my wife has a fucking gun to her head, so...
好了 你是怎么知道我们要来的
Yeah, how did you find out that we were coming, huh?
I didn't. I was stealing it.
我不知道 我在把钱偷走
-没错 真巧 -噢 我的天啊
- Yeah, coincidence. - Oh, my God.
我本来打算把钱拿走
I was planning to take the money
今晚和我的老婆 女儿一起远走高飞
and leave with my wife and daughter tonight
and never come back here.
再也不回来了
噢 然后我的妈妈就会
Oh, and then my mom would, uh,
早上喝着威士忌 读着那张纸条
read the note with her whiskey in the morning
之后便知道我做了什么
and know what I had done.
For years, I have been telling you
那么多年了 我一直告诉你
别管你妈那点臭钱了
to stop caring about your mother's fucking money!
而你的办法就是想把它们偷走
And you think the solution was to steal a bunch of it.
这 是的 听你这么说
Well, it... yeah, it does sound stupid
when you say it like that.
这种做法确实很蠢
你怎么能这样做啊
How can you do this right now?
真恶心 毕竟妈妈给了我们那么多
It's disgusting. After all that Mother has given us?
行了吧 阿尔瓦 她给你的一切
Come on, Alva. Everything she ever gave you,
她都让我们知道
she made damn sure we knew
she had the power to take right back.
她是有权利收回来的
这么多年 我一直在讨好你 低声下气
I have spent years groveling to you.
In the meanwhile, I was destroying
同时 我正在摧毁 我生命中唯一美好的东西
the only good thing in my life.
我们在这里是干什么的
What are we doing here, huh?
听你们的家庭治疗还是抢劫啊
Family therapy or doing a heist?
好了 废话说够了吧
Yeah, enough of this sharing bullshit.
好了 你把钱放哪儿了
All right. Where'd you put it?
看看这个小白痴
Look at this little idiot.
哦 不
Oh, no.
怎么了
What?
-那些坏人发现我了 -好吧
- The bad guys found me. - Okay.
我来了
I'm coming.
小家伙 你要知道 陷阱只有藏起来才管用
You know, booby traps don't work unless you hide them.
You little moron.
你这个小笨蛋
上帝啊 我操
- Jesus! Shit!
帮帮我
Help me! Help me! Help!
你他妈…会没事的
You'll be f... You'll be fine.
抱紧 我马上回来
Sit tight. I'll be back in a sec.
我先杀了这小混蛋
Right after I kill this little piece of shit!
你这个小混蛋
You little fucking brat.
你死了
You're dead!
你他妈的要死了
You're so fucking dead!
该死的小卵蛋
Fucking piece of shit.
你这个小…
You little...
要来啦~
Incoming!
Son of a fucking...
我他妈的…
操
Fuck.
现在我抓住你了 小孩
I got you now, kid.
是吗 抬头
Yeah? Heads up.
你就这点本事吗 你他妈的…
That's all you got? You fucking...
Enough of this shit.
受够这小孩了
Santa!
圣诞老人
嗨 你好 特鲁迪
Hi, Trudy. Hi.
我做了像电影里那样的陷阱 真有意思
I made booby traps like in the movie. It was so funny.
特鲁迪 呃 我想请你帮个忙
Trudy, I want you to, uh... just do me a favor.
转过身来 闭上眼睛
Just turn around and close your eyes.
也可以拿手捂住耳朵
Maybe put your fingers in your ears and, uh,
尽量大声地唱《铃儿响叮当》
sing "Jingle Bells" as loud as you can.
♪叮叮当 叮叮当♪
♪铃儿响叮当♪
♪我们滑雪多快乐, 我们坐在雪橇上♪
你正要杀掉一个无辜的孩子
You were about to murder an innocent child.
♪叮叮当 叮叮当♪
她无辜吗
Innocent?
她只是很调皮
It's naughty.
顽皮
Naughty.
Naughty!
顽皮
这是莱特斯通遗产的一部分
It's part of the Lightstone legacy.
我们是不友好的人
We're horrible people.
所以 我现在明白你为什么这么做了
So I get why you did what you did.
当你祖父告诉我 我不可能管理公司
When your grandfather told me I'd never run the company
因为一个女孩不具备管理公司的能力
because a girl doesn't have what it takes,
我不得不从他那里抢过控制权
I had to snatch the reins away from him.
但重点是
But the point is,
莱特斯通夺走了他们的东西
a Lightstone takes what's theirs.
我为你感到骄傲 儿子
I'm proud of you, son.
All right, where the hell is it?
好了 钱到底在什么鬼地方
钱藏在里面
The money's hidden inside.
三个贤人送他的礼物…
And the Three Wise Men presented him with gifts
有乳香 没药…
of frankincense, myrrh...
…还有冰冷的钞票
...and cold hard cash.
伙计们 把钱装起来
Load it up, boys.
好了 我们在确保资金安全后
All right, we're securing the money.
把人质杀死 然后在外面等我们
Kill the hostages and meet us outside.
什么
What?
不
No.
妈妈
Mom.
没事的 伯特
It's fine, Bert.
一切都很好
Everything's fine.
好了
Okay.
大家都起来
Everybody, get up.
杀戮时间到了
It's time for a murder.
行了吧 你不想杀了我们
Come on. Come on. You don't want to kill us.
你真的不想
You really don't.
哦 是的 我知道
Oh, yes, I do.
我真的…很想
I really, really, really do.
你是第一个
And I'm gonna start with you.
不
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
等等
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
你得先杀了琳达阿姨
You got to kill Aunt Linda first.
搞什么鬼 伯特
What the hell, Bert?
伯特鲁德 你想在死前挤点时间做个混蛋吗
You want to squeeze in being a little shit
before you die, Bertrude?
-先杀了他 我说的 -什么
- I say shoot him first. - What?
等等 不要 别朝他开枪
Wait. No, no, no. Don't shoot him.
先别杀他 你也别喊他小混蛋了
Don't shoot him first. And don't you call him
你个傻逼拜金女
a little shit, you gold-digging bitch.
好吧 我改变主意了
Okay. I changed my mind.
-先杀了那个酗酒婊 -别喊我妈酗酒婊
- Shoot the alcoholic bitch first. -Don't call my mom
你妈是个酒鬼
- an alcoholic bitch. - Your mom's an alcoholic.
-我很抱歉 -你个拜金婊
- I'm sorry. - You're a gold-digging bitch.
噢 当我事业有成的时候 我是个拜金女吗
Oh, I'm a gold-digger, when I have a whole-ass career?
你他妈都不是这个家的一员
You're not even part of the fucking family.
-她是个工程师 -你他妈的很清楚
- She's an engineer. - You know goddamn well...
给我闭嘴
Shut up!
真是一群嘴炮
Just like rats in a barrel.
你怎么不体面地死掉啊
Why don't you die with some dignity?
放开我
Get off of me!
好了
Okay, okay.
操你妈
Fuck you!
这是你吼我孩子的惩罚
This is for yelling at my child!
真讨厌
Creep!
那是为了扇我耳光的惩罚 混蛋
That's for slapping me, motherfucker!
这是给你那破帽子的惩罚 混蛋
This is for your dumb fucking hat!
他…
Is he...
他死了吗
Is he dead?
是啊
Yeah.
谢谢 琳达
Thanks, Linda.
一家人一起改变一下挺好的
Well, it's nice to do something as a family for a change.
哦 我操
Oh, shit!
I'm gonna...
我要…
那是给摩根的
That was for Morgan.
他可能很蠢 但他非常非常性感
He may have been stupid, but he was very, very hot.
哦 特鲁迪
Oh. Trudy!
妈妈
- Mommy!
谢天谢地 宝贝
Thank God, baby.
你没事吧
Are you okay?
我没事 妈妈
I'm okay, Mommy.
那就好
Okay.
This is my friend, Santa.
这是我的朋友 圣诞老人
卧槽
What the fuck?
I can't thank you enough, Mister...
我该怎么感谢你 先生…
Claus. But please call me Santa.
请叫我圣诞老人
你们应该离开这里
You guys should get out of here.
这儿很危险
It's dangerous.
They took my husband and her grandmother.
他们带走了我丈夫和她的奶奶
有人知道怎么用这小玩意儿吗
Anybody know how to work these gizmos?
我觉得我会
I think so.
我以前和我爸爸一起打猎
I used to hunt with my dad.
Ow.
噢
收到 看起来如何
Copy that. How's that looking?
-很好 我把它锁了 -兄弟们 把头放在转环上
- Yeah, I got it on lockdown. - Heads on a swivel, boys.
-有人来了 -注意
- Incoming! - Heads up!
噢 谁在开枪
- Oh, oh! Who's shooting?
谁
- Who's...
-队长 下来 -小心
- Cap, get down! - Watch it! Watch it!
把他们全干掉
Gun 'em down. Mow them all down.
-好了 我们他妈的离开这里 -走吧
- All right, let's get the fuck out of here. -Let's go.
-去哪儿 -快点 你这个老家伙
- Go where? - Come on, move, you old bat.
把你他妈的手拿开
Get your fucking hands off of me.
噢 我操…
Oh! Oh, shit.
我的蛋蛋 我他妈的蛋蛋
My balls! My fucking balls!
噢 我的蛋蛋 为什么你要开枪射我
Ow, my balls! Why did you shoot me in the ball...
天啊
Oh, Jesus.
Sorry.
很抱歉
别担心我们 圣诞老人先生 我们能行的
Don't worry about us, Mr. Claus. We got this.
那个人是谁
Who is that guy?
他说他是圣诞老人
He said he was Mr. Claus.
-我操 特鲁迪 -不
- Fuck. Trudy. - No, no.
She's in the house. She's okay.
她在房子里 她没事
她很安全
She's safe.
- Oh, thank God. - Yeah.
-噢 谢天谢地 -是啊
不
No, no.
-噢 快走 -不 等等
- Oh... go, go, go, go, go. - No, no, no. Wait, wait.
哦 我操
Oh, shit!
操
Fuck!
快他妈的去死
- Fucking die.
来呀
Come on. Come on. Come on.
我在这儿呢
Yeah, over here. Over here.
圣诞老人
Santa!
来吧
Come on!
好啊
Yeah.
操
Fuck.
（淘气名单） 杀了他最好的朋友 散播痛苦 小偷 伤了他妈妈的心 杀人犯 贪婪的 讨厌过圣诞 自私之人 收入诈骗
你是真的…圣诞老人
You're real?
你就是…那个…
You're... him.
你就是 圣诞老人
You're you.
这就是我一直想告诉你的
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
真正该死的圣诞老人
The real goddamn Santa Claus.
伙计 今晚不属于你
This is not your night, pal.
哦 我不知道 我觉得你错了
Oh, I don't know. I think you're wrong.
我觉得我那破烂人生就是为了这一刻
I think my whole shitty life's built up to this moment.
因为如果我杀了你
Because when I kill you,
这个该死的假期就会结束
this whole goddamn holiday finally ends.
不管怎么样…
Whatever it takes...
...Christmas dies tonight.
…今晚 圣诞节就要结束了
The last Christmas.
最后的圣诞节
如果你还这么觉得 就不一定了
Not if you still believe.
不
No!
我不知道这他妈到底是怎么回事
I have no idea what the fuck is going on here.
But this ends now.
但现在…该结束了
Damn right it does.
他妈的 没错
Trudy, be careful.
小心点 特鲁迪
圣诞老人
Santa!
哦 不 圣诞老人
Oh, no. Santa.
哦 不要
Oh, no.
你救了我女儿
You saved my daughter.
不
No.
是她救了我
She saved me.
Help him. Please help him.
帮帮他 请帮帮他吧
亲爱的 我觉得…我们也无能为力了
Honey, I don't think there's anything we can do.
好了 没关系
It's okay. It's okay.
现在太晚了
It's too late for that.
太晚了
Too late.
我很冷
I'm cold.
我好几年没觉得冷了
I haven't felt cold in years.
我们得给他保暖
We need to keep him warm.
所有的火都快熄灭了
All of the fires are going out.
We need to find something to burn.
我们需要找些东西烧掉
我有个主意
I got an idea.
哇
Whoa.
不
No.
不 杰森 不要
No, no, no, no. No, Jason, no.
求你了 圣诞老人
Please, Santa.
我不想让你离开
I don't want you to die.
杰森 我们慢慢来
Jason, let's slow this down.
你在做什么
What are you doing?
我活得比所有人都长
I've lived longer than any man should ever live.
他快死了 到底怎么了
He's pretty much dead. What the hell is happening?
-你不用烧钱 -好了 多烧点
- You don't need to burn money. - Okay. More. Yeah.
你不会死的 圣诞老人 你必须站起来
You can't die, Santa. You have to get up.
我想我用尽了我所有的圣诞魔法
I think I used up all my Christmas magic.
真的对不起
Sorry.
对不起 我不能满足你的要求了
I'm s... I'm sorry I can't give you what you asked for.
拿好了
Take that. Take that.
但你已经满足了
But you did.
圣诞老人 求你 不要死
Santa, please don't die.
醒醒
Wake up. Wake up.
我们要让他靠近火
We need to get him close to the fire.
杰森
Jason.
醒来吧
Just wake up.
求你了
Please.
不要
No.
Oh, I am so, so sorry.
噢 我非常 非常抱歉
这个人…
- This man...
这个勇敢的人 无论他是谁…
This brave, brave man, whoever he was...
他是圣诞老人
He's Santa.
他就是真正的圣诞老人
The real Santa. He is.
我依然相信他
And I still believe in him.
我永远相信你 圣诞老人
I'll always believe in you, Santa.
我也相信他
I believe in him, too.
他救了特鲁迪
He saved Trudy.
他救了我们的家人
He saved our family.
还有什么比这更真实的
What's realer than that?
或许吧…
Then maybe...
I believe in him, too.
我也相信他
我也是
So do I.
噢 糟糕
Oh, shit.
我想…
I guess...
我想我也是
I guess I do, too.
我操…
Fuck me.
我也相信
I believe, too.
哦 我的天啊
Oh, my God.
圣诞老人
Santa!
你…
You...
你不是死了吗
You were dead.
靠的是圣诞魔法
Christmas magic.
我还是不太明白
I still don't really understand...
它是怎么运作的
how it works.
非常感谢
Thank you.
我不知道我们怎样才能报答你
I don't know how we can ever repay you.
你让我起死回生
Well, you brought me back from the dead,
所以我们…平了
so we'll call it even.
即使呢
Even?
我们刚烧掉了50万美元
We just burned half a million dollars.
-看 圣诞老人 -什么
- Look, Santa! - Hmm?
看看谁来了
Look who came.
现在 你们出现了 是吧
Now you show up, huh?
你们把我丢在这里等死
You leave me here to die,
等我忙完了才回来 是吗
come back after all the work's done, huh?
你知道吗 我应该把你们都炖了
You know what? I should make you guys into a stew
然后喂给精灵
and feed you to the elves!
没错 闪电 我在和你说话
Yes, Blitzen! Yes, I'm talking to you!
还有你 普莱斯
You, too, Prancer.
你把我袋子拿走了
You got my sack.
我的备用袋子… 你回家了拿了我的备用袋子
My spare... You went home and you got my spare sack?
天啊 我不能一直生你们的气
Oh, God, I can't stay mad at you guys.
我…
I...
哦 我错了
Aw. I can't. I can't.
哦
Aw.
哦
Aw.
嗨 我的美人儿
Hello, beautiful.
碎颅者
Skullcrusher!
我想 现在是再见的时候了
Guess this is goodbye.
我得走了
I got to go.
你一定要走吗
Do you have to?
今天是平安夜 你知道吗
It's Christmas Eve, and there's a lot of...
许多好名单上的男孩女孩们
boys and girls on the nice list
都想要礼物
that want their presents, you know?
谢谢你
Thank you.
为什么谢我
For what?
谢谢你 依然相信我
For believing in me.
感谢你提醒我 圣诞节依然很重要
For reminding me that Christmas still matters.
我永远会…
And that I still...
记住的
matter.
你还把我的“嚯嚯嚯”还我了
You gave me my "ho, ho, ho" back.
好了 离开这儿吧
All right. Get out of here.
圣诞快乐
Merry Christmas!
驾
Hyah!
达舍 上 丹瑟 上
Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer!
普莱斯和维森 上
Now, Prancer and Vixen!
彗星 上 丘比特 上
On, Comet! On, Cupid!
唐纳和闪电 上吧
On, Donner and Blitzen!
Come on, you beautiful bastards!
冲上去吧 你们这些漂亮的混蛋
我们有活要干了
We've got some work to do!
驾
Hyah!
Ho, ho, ho!
嚯嚯
圣诞快乐
Merry Christmas!
托米·维尔科拉 导演作品
编剧 帕特里克·凯西 & 乔什·米勒
♪你把圣诞袜挂在墙上了吗♪
♪现在是每个圣诞老人参加舞会的时候了♪
♪他骑红鼻子驯鹿吗♪
♪他的雪橇上有人在紧张吗♪
♪仙女们能让他清醒一天吗♪
♪所以 就在这里♪
♪圣诞快乐♪
♪每个人都很开心♪
♪现在就展望未来♪
♪这才刚刚开始♪
♪你在等家人来吗♪
♪你确定你有♪
♪里面有空余的房间吗♪
♪你奶奶总是告诉你吗♪
♪那些老歌是最好的♪
♪然后她就起来了♪
♪与其他人一起♪
嘿 哟 什么是古驰小队之家呢
Hey, yo! What's Gucci, squad fam?
这是伯特·洛克 梦幻的直播间
It's the Bert Locker, living the dream.
你知道吗 看到这家伙了吗 死得真惨
You know what? See this guy? Dead as hell.
圣诞老人是真实的 知道吗
Santa's real, all right?
你的名字最好不要在淘气名单上
Don't end up on the naughty list.
表现好一点
Do better.
伯特·莱特斯通 出局
Bert Lightstone out.
♪所以就在这里♪
♪圣诞快乐♪
♪每个人都很开心♪
♪现在就展望未来♪
♪这才刚刚开始♪
♪所以就在这里♪
♪圣诞快乐♪
♪每个人都很开心♪
♪今天是圣诞节 现在就展望未来♪
♪这才刚刚开始♪
♪高高兴兴 叮叮咚咚♪
♪让我们好好的♪
♪这个即将到来的圣诞节♪
♪或者你会看到♪
♪圣诞老人残忍的一面♪
♪圣诞老人快疯了 快生气了♪
♪今年圣诞节我要准时睡觉♪
♪我们不想在淘气名单上♪
♪圣诞老人会不高兴的♪
♪他一而再再而三的告诉你♪
♪太调皮是不好的♪
♪圣诞老人已经受够了圣诞节♪
♪爱在哪里 快乐在哪里♪
♪总是送现金 而不送玩具♪
♪圣诞老人已经受够了圣诞节♪
♪啊♪
♪圣诞老人快疯了♪
♪你能不让圣诞老人发疯吗♪
♪今年圣诞节我会准时睡觉 宝贝♪
♪我们不想在淘气名单上♪
♪圣诞老人会来的♪
♪如果你不想♪
♪今年圣诞节 用煤炭…♪
♪用冬青树枝装饰大厅♪
♪确保圣诞老人快乐♪
♪别做他的驯鹿♪
♪因为这样会给你带来一些痛苦 亲爱的♪
♪圣诞老人快疯了 快生气了♪
♪今年圣诞节我要准时睡觉♪
♪我们不想在名单上♪
♪圣诞老人会来的♪
♪哦 哦 哦♪
♪哦啦啦♪
♪别让他发疯♪
♪哦啦啦♪
♪哦♪
♪哦啦啦♪
♪听 天使在歌唱♪
♪它在雪地里飞驰♪
♪在圣诞节的第一天♪
♪我的真爱给了我♪
♪善良的温塞斯拉斯国王向外望去♪
♪在斯蒂芬的盛宴♪
♪叮当响 ♪
♪高高兴兴 叮叮咚咚♪
♪钟声在天堂响起♪